Chapter21: Cheating – For the Advanced

Why must humans complicate their lives mara? Lyk, this ish isn’t hard- we just make it hard. Like cheating, the rules are simple: DON’T GET CAUGHT. But people still mess this is up! Listen, I’m not saying cheating is cool/ok all I’m saying is, if you’re gonna do it, do it right!

I won’t go into why cheating is bad blah blah blah cause I don’t necessarily agree with that notion. Cheating is what it is, cheating. Its “wrongness” boils down to morals & lets face it: morals no longer hold this world together so try another argument yeah? How about the fact that we are animals? We are driven by Fight, Flee, Feed and Fuck. We are instinctively selfish & this thing of being other than that fights with our human nature cause it doesn’t make sense. Who decided that we are meant to be with one person for the rest of eternity?

Cheating is some sort of attention seeking mechanism that the cheater is sending out and frankly whoever receives the message first wins the prize. The cheater cheats for one of three reasons:

1. Cause they can.
2. Cause they want to.
3. Cause they are crying out for attention.

What I don’t understand is why the cheated always feels like they are the reason why the cheater cheated. Its hogwash! When a person is cheating they are not thinking of their partner or the consequences. They are thinking about busting a nut! Qha!

However, I do have an issue with getting caught. That shows that you have absolutely no class in hiding your shenanigans. Getting caught really is a bitch move. It shows that you are sloppy & if you can be sloppy about such maybe you were also sloppy about other things such as condoms!

Then there’s that moment when the cheater feels the need to fess up. WHAT THE FUCK FOR?!?!?!?!!? So unnecessary *rolls eyes*. This is why I say women are the best cheaters. We can fuck your brother, ur best friend even your father & you’ll never know!!! #truestory. Have a baby say its yours and only 30 years later be like “oh yeah, urhm, u know your son, well he isn’t yours.”

So here are some tips for you novices:

1. Don’t use first names. Stick to ‘honey, baby, lovie’
2. When ur fone rings, don’t leave the room! Duh!
3. Don’t communicate via text/email- its called a paper trail! Stick to phone calls, & dnt delete history- it shows you have something to hide.
4. Never confess! Deny that shit! Infact, use reverse psychology! Turn the situation round to work for you. Cry if you have to, blame ur absent father but NEVER confess!
5. Remember that humans do have emotions & are erratic so if your left breast or testicle gets ripped off in one swift move because of your dealings, you brought it upon yourself.

Be smart, Be wise, Don’t Get Caught. *tltltltltltltltl*

Chapter20: My South Africa

In a lot of ways our country is merrily fucked up. So that being said, this is not about our high crime rates, double standards, sub standard TV & predictable radio playlists. No, this is about the amazing aspects of RSA, the things that make me sing Nkosi Sikeleli Africa with beaming pride! Yes, we have turds like: taxi, BMW and Truck Drivers! Steve Hofmeyr, illegal aliens and downright assholes who mix our air (Xova umoya wethu) on a daily freaking basis but yet we as a nation march forth!

1. Ability To Criticize Our Gvt & Not Fear For Our Lives

People of Zim & China fear for their lives when it comes to criticizing their gvt- on sum shit ima die if I speak my mind!!! Do you grasp how fucking serious that is?!?!?!!? Here on the other hand- people say whatever they want about JZed & Juju and no one gets capped for it!

2. Our Differences

Everything about our being is fabulous! We come in all shapes, sizes, hues, & ethnicities- this is awesome! The fact that there isn’t just one meal or symbol that defines us as a country. Braai, pap, potjie, breyani- all “ethnic specific” dishes but u can find them on any type of South Africans plate. I love our differences, I love that we have allowances for Gay marriage- whereas certain states in the USA still do not which is startling considering that their democracy is older than ours… I love that even domestic workers- whom some perceive to be at the bottom of the food chain- have employee rights! I love that when I rock up to a till at the shop I could be greeted in any language under the South African sun!

3. Tolerance

Dear White Folk: do not for 1 second get it twisted- most of my people still hate/ resent/loath/despise you & what you put our forefathers through- but, due to their inner sanity & ubuntu they bite their tongues when they deal with you. I know for a fact that ya’ll believed that there’d be a civil after u-Tata Rolihlahla (that’s Nelson Mandela) was released. That drama at UOFS- we haven’t forgotten! But we, unlike your forefathers see a bigger picture for our nation.

4. Our Brand

I love our colourful flag, our earth moving National Anthem, our various languages which no longer are just 11 considering Kasitaal & internet lingo! How we can love you one day & tear you apart the next! How our passions & dreams for our country rest in our hands. How we are resilient and have learnt to stand up for own!

Its hard to believe that its almost been one year since the epic FIFA SWC, was held here! On our soil. Became a part of our history. Our legacy. And that folks is something no one can ever take away from us. We are the second country in the WORLD to have hosted the Cricket, Rugby & Soccer World Cups.  

So, on Weds it’s the Local Gvt Elections. If you would have boozed it up the night before I urge you to remember how phenomenal our country is & wake up and vote! Get up, queue & make your mark that you are grateful to live in a country which is so full of shit yet full of so many opportunities, experiences, history, lessons!

Chapter19: Babies Having Babies

Sometimes I dislyk being a woman. Theres all this pressure 2b a wife and a mom. But fortunately- I am my own person, I dnt care wat ppl think or expect of me. Iv decided for myself that those roles will not define me or “complete” me. I know that most chicks my age wanna be married and be pregnant and be moms- and girls if that is wat wil make u happy- GO AHEAD!!!! But im happy ryt now wit who I am, wat I hav, wat I dnt hav.

As little girl I had dreams of wanting a big poofy white dress, an impossibly enormous cake, millions of guests which I didn’t kno but wanted 2 show off too, wanting random strangers to rub my belly when I look lyk a watermelon. Really I did. Then I grew up & realized- I dnt want marriage- I want a wedding. & I can hav millions of weddings once I do my Wedding Planner business. And the notion of having children still excites me but I kno that I dnt hav 2b the size of a watermelon or fuck up my vagina 4 EVER just to have a child. I could adopt or have a surrogate. I really love my vagina. More than my face. #truestory

Listen, im not belittling the process of being pregnant and giving birth. Im sure it’s a life changing experience blah blah blah- all im saying is my life has had enough life changing experiences I dnt need to be pregnant to experience anymore. I hav had enuf drama & excitement. Im willing to be that aunty who lives in a nice house, has nice cars & good hair 2 ur kids. The one who hits them when they step outta line & teaches them that money rules the world.

I love the idea of creating something & nurturing it to be someone a valuable member of society- but I repeat I dnt need to give birth to do that. My 14 yr old cuzin has a useless mother. When I was 10 I was changing his nappies, feeding him, playin wit him when that bitch had parties to go to. My family has since been takin care of him- his father is my uncle. And when my uncle did I vowed never to let that boy go back to his mothers care cos she’s never been interested in parent- but is there 2buy him Carvela & fashionable clothes. She’s not there when he fails a test, makes the 1^st team at Soccer or Hockey, not there 2buy him his school or sport equipment, not there to help him pick High Schools. Even though she is 50% of him genetically and I am only lyk 15% or something- I have been there 4 most of his life changing experiences. And that to me is what makes a parent.

It breaks my heart to see headlines of babies being found in the trash or mothers claiming their babies were kidnapped when she has thrown her child away. It makes no sense to me. I get and remember that our teenage years were probably the dumbest phase of our lives. If I cud i'd ship all teenagers 2sum random island and bring them back to civilization when they 20! But what are parents and schools doing to inform children about their choices?  Clearly Abstinence doesn’t work. & ignoring unprotected sex warnings also hasn’t been working. Can we just be transparent & honest tho?!?!?

Unprotected sex + Not knowing ur options = Death or an unwanted baby.

“being in love” + not knowing ur options =  Death or an unwanted baby

Simple.

Chapter 18: The Derby

yes, yes, its been a while!

but i only ever want to share meaningful experiences.

this weekend, my girls and i went to Soweto for the Infamous clash of the titans: Kaizer Chiefs and those other guys. it was such an experience- i actually do not know where to begin!

im actually disappointed that it took us such a short time for the people of South Africa/SAFA/ whoeva the fuck is in charge or control of the logistics of Soccer City to get back to a tym before Phillip was here.

1) the traffic was a bonafide nytmare! like- never in my life had i seen or been part of such! if it wasnt for that random Pirates supporter broad who rode on the bonnet of the car- i actually dnt kno how i wuda survived!!! ROFL

2) when we EVENTUALLY got inside- we were shocked to see that there were no seats available- ppl were proper sitting on the steps! or standing! im not sure if this is Computickets fault- or them mofos selling tickets outside! either way- its 2011 we shudnt be dealing with such!

3) where the fuck is security when sum smelly fool is fallin ova & on top of me? but wow hey, i thought i had seen drunk people in my life before- clearly i was fooled! this guy was pap or poep drunk! like il be surprised if he duznt hav sum brain defect after that day.

4) the ultimate highlight.... Orlando Pirates supporters ACTUALLY, REALLY, PROPER thinking that they won the game! o_O today is Monday & THEY STILL on that tip! kwaaaaheeeheeeeewhoooooo! *let us pray*. lyk really- it took u guys ova an hour to rise to the occassion and score.... bunch of limp dicks!

im used to living in a world where things go according to plan. and whenever i go to the townships i think the universe conspires & fucks shit up 4 me on purpose! strue! we were driving down some road with four lanes- 2 lanes going 1 way- the other two going the way. folks decided that road rules just werent worth following anymore- the folks going towards the stadium proper made the 4 lanes a one way! you can imagine how peeved off the guys who were meant to use those lanes were!!!!

i hate how people have chosen to sacrifise common decency & Ubuntu for their own selfish aims! & how on earth can we eva progress as a nation if we neva learn from our experiences?!?!?! as far as im concerned that seat drama was unnecessary! esp after hosting the World cup! do we need a fucking babysitter 2 make things happen?

besides the drama- i had a good tym- cos i do have the awsumest homies in the world!
PS- wishing Lama & Patience happy happy Bday 4 dis week =)

Chapter 17: Our South Africa

I know some of you couldn't be bothered, but I am. I am so excited that its voter registration weekend!!! Most people perceive the Municipal elections to be not worth their time- but these for me are probably more important than the National ones. because, simply, for those people who complain about their Municipalities not delivering- these are the people who are accountable to you. This having been a pretty stressful 2weeks for South Africans due to uTata Nelson Mandela's hospitalization, i think that we should recognise those decades he was improsoned for us to equally enjoy this benefit of voting.

Last time i voted i lived in Cape Town. Now im back in Jozi & have to re register & u kno what, i do not see it as an inconvenience! i really really love this country! Really! Having travelled in all 9 provinces i do know that i have it better than most people out there. And having been overseas i still realise that i have it better here. the only complaints i have about this country are SABC 1- but then i stopped watching it and my life became better instantly. crime hasn't been a big issue for me and my family because we live in pretty safe areas or because my number hasn't come up yet. we don't have natural disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis and shit- probably because "God" loves us more than the others or, or, our history and its ramifications are enough drama for us to deal with til this day.

I am a proud ANC supporter. And will continue to be for a very very long time, even after "Jesus" comes back! (hahahaha a little ANC inside joke). And yes, i still laugh at the fools that voted for CRAP i mean COPE. but, but, i value those voters than those people who just sat around and didn't vote. Not voting to me is such a spit in the faces of all those people who died, sacrificed their freedom, the safety of their families & time spent with their families for us to enjoy the lives we live today. in my eyes- if it wasn't for the freedom fighters i would not have my : Blackberry, Degree, Internet, the choice to eat KFC or not & oh my word- MacDs cos lets b honest- if things didn't turn out the way they did i would not have access to Birth Control & DSTV (praise black jesus).

It is up to us, the "enlightened, educated, know-it-all generation" to vote and complain and fix the things we find wrong about our country so that we can make it a better place for us & ur children. so, when you wake up Sunday morning hung-over as hell, on your way to Chicken Licken & Tops please swing by your local voter registration centre. i promise, the queues will not be as long as the ones on 27 April 1994.

"be the change you want to see in the world" 

To get your voter registration details, you can:

• Enter your ID number on our Am I registered? page
• SMS your ID number to 32810(R1 per SMS sent/received)
• Call us toll-free (from a landline) on 0800 11 8000

Chapter 16: 5 Women I'd Leave my Man for.... #allhomo

Welcome back to the regular programming, also known as my craziness!

As the cold wet weather continues in Gauteng, I have compiled yet another list of hotties to keep us warm. Yes, us, see how much I love my community?! This list consists of hot, sexy, seductive ladies that I would let have me as they wished. Seriously. No, really, they don’t even have to mack- they can just look my way and, it, is, on!

Sit back (or lean forward) loosen up & enjoy the show…

#5 Angelina Jolie

For theeeeeee longest time this vixen was at the top of my list, until she got rake skinny and lost her shapely size 34C Tomb Raider breasts *reminisces on the good old days*. In Wanted she sorta still had it goingz on- but ever since she became a mom of six, her sex appeal has taken a dip.

#4 Eve

This rapstress turned actress turned fashion mogul. Is tjeeeeeeeeerr! Eve is so fine! & I love her Philly accent and how she carries herself. She’s a former stripper and she’s not ashamed to admit that, she was the First lady of Ruff Riders and made a name for herslf in the hip hop industry. Her signature blonde hair & dog paw tatts on her titties make her a hot mamah!

#3 Sofia Vergara

Columbian born. Long black locks. Hips that make the world map look so inferior. And that accent! Those eyes… & smile! She is just so hott!!! Like really, yeah she’s an OK actress, but have u seen hoe hot she is?!?!?!?! Yhey! What I love most about her is her womanly shape- that hourglass/coke bottle thang she gots goingz on!

#2 Eva Mendes

This hot Cuban cigar almost became a nun. A Nun? Yes a nun?!?! What a loss that wuda been for our eyes! Eva is now a leading lady in Hollywood, a Revlon spokesperson alongside Halle. She posed nude for PETA and allegedly had a sex tape out… (compu geeks plz find it-thnx!) But she took my breathe away when she masturbated on screen in We Own the Night in lyk the 1^st 5mins of film… yhoh thiza!

#1 Gabrielle Union

& all the black men said “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn”!

This sexy, hot, talented, versatile actress is amazing! Her roles range from drama, action and romance. She’s been in music videos too! I cud go on about wat an awsum actress she is- but no1 wants to hear that… So…. Feast Your Eyes!

Cape Town- Pt 2 of the Hansa Competition!

Win 2 VIP tickts 2 the HansaLegendsTour @ Marimba Lounge on Sat in Cape Town with Dj Tira and Ntando

Todays question is:

Who is sponsoring the Legends Tour?

Prizes : 1x Double tickets to attend the Friday event Per Person!

How To Enter:

Please send your answer, Name and Surname, and your contact details to 

"Xtralargeptyltd@gmail.com"
With Subject : HansaLegendsTour/ltzama.blogspot.com

The first 2 correct entries drawn will win.

Terms and Conditions:

Only registered Cape Town Based readers may enter!

Prize only includes tickets, not transportation to the event.
 
P.S. Competition Closes at 13h00 pm on Saturday 15th!
"Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need" Lauryn Hill

Special Note: The Kiss Of The Saaz Hop

Wanna be awesome like Vuyo?

Its simple- enter this AMAZING competition to attend the Hansa Legends In The Making Tour & ur friend could be raving about how awesome you are!

The Hansa Pilsener Legends In The Making Tour is gaining momentum and to celebrate we are giving away 2Double tickets to the Hansa Legends Tours taking place this weekend in Cape Town. Friday night, the party is at Chippas(Paarl)! XtraLargeTV and Ltzama.blogspot.com are giving away tickets to this event on Friday!

Question : Which International group is Hansa bringing to SA in Feb?

Prizes : 1x Double tickets to attend the Friday event Per Person!

How To Enter:

Please send your answer, Name and Surname, and your contact details to 

“Xtralargeptyltd@gmail.com”
With Subject : HansaLegendsTour/ltzama.blogspot.com

The first 2 correct entries drawn will win.

Terms and Conditions:

Only registered Cape Town Based readers may enter!

Prize only includes tickets, not transportation to the event.
 

P.S. Competition Closes at 13h00 pm on Friday January 14th!

Chapter 15:

So, I get macked on by ppl who have ABSOLUUTELY NO CHANCE with me. And I’ve decided that instead of being a total bitch to those who dnt know, ima let u know! Coming up next is a list of characteristics/traits/ just who you are’s of what counts you out on the race to get in my pants.

Listen, I know its its not fair, some of you may call it discrimination but I call it preference. & I would prefer it if u stayed the eff away frm me. Capish (pronounced ka-peesh)? So if u have or are 3 of the following plz leave me alone.

1.       Have kid(s)

2.       Been married

3.       Are 6 yrs or more older than me

4.       Know my mother

5.       Are a cigarette smoker (cigars & weed r cool)

6.       Never been outside the province you live in

7.       Don’t know the countries that comprise of the SADC region

8.       Never voted

9.       Do not have a Matric

10.   Never enrolled in sum type of tertiary education

11.   Own a Spitz account

12.   Do not know what birth control is

13.   Believe that owning cars is a sign of wealth or power

14.   If u just asked WTF is wealth?

15.   The only books you have read are the Bible & whatever you were told to read in school

16.   The only sport worth watching is Soccer

17.   As a devout Kaizer Chiefs supporter, I will give Pirates supporters a chance just to rub it in your face how much ur team sux!

18.   The only positions you know are the missionary & doggy-style

19.   An a homophobe/racist/male chauvinist

20.   Believe that travelling is only for the rich

21.   Do not know Patrice Motsepe

22.   Do not vote for the ANC

23.   You think Jimmy Choo is a martial arts dude lyk Jackie Chan or Van Damme

24.   Have never and wil never go down on a woman

25.   Have never and wil never eat seafood

26.   Are a DJ/Soccer Player

27.   Are mildly in the closet

28.   Greet me by saying “I love you” or “hello sweddy” or “hey, woza la”

29.   Believe that Rihanna, Ciara, Cassie can sing

30.   Do not appreciate the genius that comes from Kanye & Lil Wayne.

31.   How cud I forget… HAVE A GOLD OR SILVER TOOTH!!!!

Now that I have basically told 98% of the population to buzz off I hope that sends a clear bright message to all that I do not like being approached by anyone. Ndi grand in the males department. Grand.

Chapter 14: 5 Men I’d leave my man for…

So, for everyone NOT in Cape Town its been some miserable wet weather. What makes it worse is that some of us aren’t even getting laid in this here crap weather, so, for all my Hos & Homos here is a winter warmer in the middle of summer *rolls eyes*.

I love Men with Accents! And the American Southern Accent is just delectable which explains why 3 of these 5 men are Southern Gentlemen…  And none are South African.  Obviously. *duhh shrugs*

#5: Ryan Reynolds

I first fell in love with this Canadian Hottie in Blade Trinity… before this film he was scrawny and pale. Then, he got buff & tanned! *whistles*. Since then he’s gotten hotter. He is the reason why I watched The Proposal at the cinema. I wanted to see all that fineness in HD!

#4: T.I.

TI is EVERYTHING ur momma told and warned you to stay away from! EVERYTHING!!! He’s charming in a thuggish way (that Why U Wanna song). The way he says “ya’ll got hotwings” in Whatever You Like video, I love me a man who loves wings. & the way he lays his heart out in Get Back Up *aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*. But he gets me with his smile!

But… he been to prison and has baby Mammas! *sigh* But that smile! *melts*

#3: Matthew McConaughey

I give this man permission to claim success of any and every RomCom he has acted in- he has single handedly made every film he’s in success cos of that Texan swang, that pearly white smile and those washboard abs! *fans myself* oooohhhhhhhhhhhh chiiiiiiiild! And im a sucker for curly blonde hair.

#2: Idris Elba

This man of a man had me convinced that he was American. His accent in Daddys Little Girls was flawless! But no, he is a British DemiGod! If I ever lost my groove and went to Jamaica or America, Mr Elba is the kind of man I wud want to help me get it back! Rememba Salt n Peppas What A Man? Don’t u just envision Idris being the perfect prototype of that man?!

#1: Trey Songz

Baaaaaaaaaaaaabbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

This. Is. My. Man. Where do I start? Ok, talent. Mr Neverson just released his 4^th studio album Passion, Pain, Pleasure. Is that not reason enuf? Second, he’s actually talented- he also realises much lyk Bey & Shakira that his body is also an instrument & therefore uses it in his work. Frankly, I wud play that all nyt long! He’s versatile with his collabs and work-  he raps ya’ll!

But, baq 2 his looks… Trey has worked very hard to get his body where it is ryt now, lyk Ryan. he Southern lyk TI & Matt. His chest is the perfect place to cry & lay on. His arms can keep u warm in all that cuddley goodness. His stomach is the ish Verimark ab machines are moulded to. Those dingeses that lead to his crotch make me wanna mount & whooooh, TMI, my bad. Uhm, ya hey. Trey… 

Chapter 13: 3 Things Black People Have, Still & Always will wonder about…

To all my white friends, I myt even be kicked out the Bantu community for sharing some of these facts with you. But because I am a person of the people, I am willing to risk getting my Black Wings clipped, for you!

So you myt not get sum of them, but trust, after this expose you will surely have a chuckle when you see it happen!

#3: Exactly why did Beyonce marry Jay Z?

It aint for his money- she got her own! Even Forbes said she made more than him in the past year. It aint his looks- (see image below).  Maybe he’s a nice person hey. Or he man handles her in the sack… or maybe he challenges her intellectually- does she even hav a GED(Matric)?

Our thinking has become so corrupt that we cannot imagine people being together out of love, there always has to be an ulterior motive! My girl Lama INSISTS that J&B are a financial agreement, merely together because the power of their joint brand will make them more rich! Girls have done worser things… (CC Khanyi re Theunis).

Jay bought B an island for her bday and she got him a Bugatti. This is 7 yrs into their relationship- wtf r they gonna get each ada for their 50yr wedding Anniversary? Venus & Mars?!

                                                  

#2: Why do we do that thing when we come out the pool?

Don’t act like you don’t know!  We all do it!!! The moment we come out the pool we wipe, no wipe is not the word. We… do wat those roller thingies do at the car wash to our face the second we come out the pool! Yes, We, Do!

No matter how hard we try to come off sexy lyk white boys & girls manage to- we just CANNOT! And the funny thing is- it is subconscious until the moment we think-mid-action “ah shit, I just did that Bantu pool thing…” that’s when we proceed to try look sexy. And subsequently hopelessly fail! *SMDH*

I wonder how many takes they did to get this shot PUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRFEEEEEECT!

                                                  

#1: Mara Michael Jackson, u’wetsang aka WTF were u thinking?

Words fail me.

I shall use pictures!!!

Next countdown…  5 Men I’d leave my man for.