Chapter 12: The Foreva Complaining SAfrican

Unbefuckinglievable! South Africans r such a bunch of whiney bitches!  Yeah, I said it! Al we eva do & can do very well is complain, complain, complain. If we not picketing for better wages, or tweeting about how lame Generations is then we complain on our blogs *does not hide*.

To all my tweeps, im not gonna lie- ur ‘Generations this’ ‘Generations that’ tweets about Sharons hair or sum1 being pregnant annoy me to my fucking core. So ima give u sum life changing advice for free… cause in a cuple of yrs ima charge 4dis shit! Here it goes…

As most of you know, I do not watch SABC1. Yes, not the News, Soccer, Live or Generations. I lost all sense of respect for SABC1 when their management decided that their viewers weren’t good enough to view recent international shows. I mean WTF? Repeating Martin after we done seen every season! Their headline show Live is no longer live, but rather pre-recorded? They continually fail its viewers at every turn yet you all still go back and watch- for that I have no words!

Mahatma Ghandi said “be the change you want to see in the world”.  Let me break something to you all- SABC1 is not gonna stop giving you crap service or out-dated shows if you do not stand up to them!!! Boycott watching the channel to send them a message, complain to your newspapers and the Broadcasting Complaints Commission if you have too! You all (theoretically) pay your TV licences- so you do deserve to watch the semi-latest seasons of shows, not crap from when DVD players didn’t even exist!

And another thing- all this PigSpotter crap in regard to letting us know where the road blocks are- is actually holding us back as country! How the fuck do u expect real criminals lyk rapists, prison escapees and all kinds of dirty rats to get caught if Pigspotter keeps giving away Police locations? Huh? Come now, can we all just think for a minute!

Oh yeah, while im on that note – u keep saying the po-po keep asking/expecting bribes, well- don’t give them the money! Take down their name and badge number and fight them in court! Seriously, its called reinforcement- lyk when the scientist gives a hamster a treat everytym they do something good, and electric shock them when they do something bad. If ppl stop paying the cops these said bribes-then they’ll stop expecting them! Its not rocket science geniuses! *rolls eyes*.

Now that I got thaaaaaaat off my chest…

Please be safe during this festive season, close to 900 people have died on SA Roads already this December, don’t be a stastistic toe. No amount of booze or skin2skin sex is worth being remembered as a dumb fuck. PS if I hear you were drinking & driving im not coming to your funeral, real talk =)

Chapter 11: Come out, Come out wherever you are!

I like to think of myself as a gaydar, u know, a gay radar. This is not a role I chose for myself, but rather one the universe bestowed upon me from when I was in primary school. Although I never really knew what ‘gay’ and ‘homosexual’ were until like high school- I cud always sense those boys that just weren’t “boyie”. Now, now before ya’ll get ur knickers in a knot- I am not a homophobe, far from it ok! Im just writing this piece to let the world know who my gaydar has picked up!

From primary school closeted gays were just naturally drawn to me and it escalated in high school! And then ppl would just make it worse by saying ignorant shit lyk “y u friends with him/her?”, “that guy/girl is a f*g”! The nerve! And I didn’t care- I mean hell who the fuck was I to judge? I was fat wit terrible acne and one hell of a voice (a bully’s wet dream)!  And, my family brought me up better than that. I personally feel that anyone who has ever been discriminated against, either personally or by association- has absolutely no room to practise those actions on another human.

Fast forward five years later from Matric and all my closet homo homies have come out the closet! *happy dance* I am happy because it is not cool seeing someone you care about pretend to be someone else or live a lie. So to you and any other openly gay persons out there GOOD FOR YOU!!! But unfortunately, there are those around us who are still afraid to come out- for whatever reason, and I can respect for that. But then others are screaming queens & u know wat, ima do u a mini favour ladies- so that u know not to perceive a future with these guys!

John Legend, Will.I.Am, Usher, Mr Avenue Glen Lewis, Diddy, Phila,   I’m begging you- do us and you a favour and just come out! I know its stil a taboo thing in the African (American) community but really dudes, we wont care!  So long as u stay away from lil boys- we cool. In the States, shows like Will & Grace, the L Word, Nip/Tuck have helped society become  more acceptable to homosexuality. And we need to start changing the way in which the churches discuss this matter- their archaic views still leave millions trapped in thoughts fuelled by ignorance! And ignorance is more dangerous than any weapon.

Gaga, Beyonce have had their careers catapulted by the gay community. Like Chris Rock said: gays are the first to buy concert tickets cause they dnt have to think about kids etc! Oprah’s interior decorator and flower guy are both openly gay! Elton John, George Michael, Somizi Mhlongo have seen their careers soar to new heights since coming out. And frankly, I know more ladies would love to have a GBF (gay best friend) since our female BFFs now steal our husbands! So ya, take 1 for the team & just come out already!  The great Malume Luther Vandross passed before he could come out and well MJ eish, ya MJ… never mind. But bottom line neh, you cannot live a full life if u are pretending to be someone else.

Chapter 10: What Happened to Sistahood? *snaps fingaz*

Girls, I won't lie, I'm very disappointed in how you've handled
yourselves over the Theunis Crous matter.
Y is it as women we fight the other woman and not the cheating bastard?
This man had a public relationship, not even affair, RELATIONSHIP wit
Khanyi Mbau, took her there, bought her this & did that! I even saw
them @ Mandela Square having high-tea with another couple. & then when
shit fell apart these 2 women started attacking each other!

& then ppl make Khanyi the bad person here? Hhayi bo! Like the great
Earl Simmons(DMX) said "don't get a dog, if you can't take care of a
dog". Ie- keep ur man at home Primrose. & if can't keep him happy-
sum1 else out there will! #fact

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if we are in a relationship/marriage u as
my spouse are meant 2b loyal & not cheating? I cnt expect everyone
else to be because they didn't take the vows. But no, not these folks!
Primi took him back. *stunned* & her and Khanyi started bickering in
public. They call each other names & this & that.

Maybe my feminist genes r taking over but shud women not stand
together when this ish happens? Remember the Boy Is Mine video? Ryt at
the end where Brandy & Monica suprise Mekhi wit a 'in ur face, we
caught u out negro'?
& now, wyl these two bicker on- the oldie is sitting & laughing l
probably having his shoulders being dusted by men in adoration! I
cannot deal!

But then again... Looking @ both these women & the oldie it is clear
2c y they with him. What?! You thought it, I said it! He aint no
George Clooney (looks wise) but is pocketwise! But hey I encourage
women using men 4 wateva they bring to the table- they BEEN doing it
2us 4 centuries- so hey, karma. *shrugs*

The only reason that I cud think of, of why any hot female in
Primroses position wud stay wit a withering obese fart soos Theunis is
that she was dumb enuf 2sign a prenup which ensures her leaving wit
wat she came wit! (Dumb girl)!!! Really, what's love got to do with
any of this?

4 all we know, these three are probably sitting reading this, laughing
at how they've played all of us for fools! Yip, I wouldn't put it past
them! This game is called entertainment after all =) cos it seems too
unreal to be real! Feel me? Why any1 wud put themselves thru al dis
public torture & ridicule is beyond me- & yes ppl do ridicule ya'll!
From your broken english to being made into barbie dolls. People talk.
& running around bad mouthing each other isn't helping. Its tactless &
un-lady-like.

In my eyes you are on the same level of shocking & disappointing. The
only thing that separates you two is the fact that Primrose has a
ring, (which clearly aint shit) but other than that niyafanah!

Chapter 9: Got u by the balls!

Owwweeeeee! I love me sum celeb dramah! & the latest was of Kim K & Halle Berry! 4 those of u who r a bit clueless, lemme fill u in.

So... Halle had a baby wit a hot yung thang 2yrs ago, (his name duznt matter so much). & then this hot yung thang was spotted wit Kim Kardashian! Then, Kim said she wudnt mind being a step mom 2 hot yung thangs baby! Halle was having NONE of that! She started callin Kim a porn star & refused 2 hav her daughter around her. & that ladies & gentlemen was the end of Kim Ks relationship wit Halles baby daddy!

Shocked? I won't lie, I was. Seems this one goes to all the baby mamas out there. Now, the question is: duz Halle & any other baby mama out there hav the ryt 2 "tell" their ex who they can date & consequently make a member of their family?

Angazi! I really dnt know. But I do believe that all parties involved must check their ego's at the door when kids are involved. Halle had no right 2 judge Kim 4 having sex in front of a camera, cos naye she's done done it a couple of tyms! (Think Monsters Ball). Which makes me wonder, what are the real reasons Halle banished hot yung thang frm bringing Kim into their family... Cos Halle has a man, the delicious Olivier Martinez *moment of silence*.

Mayb she's jealous of Kims youth... Or duznt wanna c hot yung thang b happy. Or maybe, just maybe- she duznt see Kim as a good enuf role model 4 her daughter- which as a mother she has every ryt too. But that's just a maybe.

Wateva Halles reasoning, hot yung thang is a wimp! He must stand up 4 wat he wants & not b parented by Halle! Baby mama or not there are tyms when a man must b a man! & put an end to being pushed around by his ex. Hot yung thang u disappointed.

So, 2al the baby mama's who r using their kid as bait 2 their baby daddy's, stop it- it aint cute! 2 al da baby daddies who dnt hav balls- man up fool, u got ryts too! & 2 da ada man/woman: u knew wat u were getting urself into- dnt play victim.
"Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need" Lauryn Hill

Chapter 8: why i love white people!

Yhoh! Yhoh! Yhoh! Wat a nyt! Ya neh!

So I partied with wyt folk last nyt… baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea! I woke up still drunk! Enough about that, lets get to the juicy bits!

Let me set the scene: I was the only blk girl besides the help. Place was swarming with people born post 1989 (I didn’t even know those existed). The children of the female kind were dressed in heels that make Beyonce look lyk she wears flats. & their dresses looked more lyk tablecloths- as sum1 put it “I can see fanny”!

So the 1^st 15 minutes were awesome! Cos uyazi mos I cudnt wait 2 whip out my Bantu dance moves… I felt lyk Ciara up in there! Then, I succumbed to my environment *smh* I started dancing lyk them, bopping my head, moving my body al willy nilly. It was a sad sad sight. So I did wat any1 else wud do- I drank!

The 1st scene I see when I walk in, is this child on the floor, crying, and her friends are also on the floor consoling her *confused look* (never see that in a black club). Then within like 5 seconds sum fool fell KWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! That happened like 7 times tho.

So the music was on pizoint tho, esp since they played Trey! There was a moment when DJ played Bieber…. U shuda seen the wyt boys leave the dance floor! Hahahahaha! But shame hey, some ppl were just not gifted with rhythm wayitsi…. Yhuu I just cudnt stand by and idly watch anymore. So, I took it upon myself 2 teach the crew I was with some of “our” moves, & I can say proudly that there are three wyt ppl out there who now know how 2 do ‘iscooter’ & ‘cutting the cake’. *round of applause*

But props must be given tho 2 da DJ(s), I remember everyone “dancing” to Malaika-Destiny, Cndo-Amaretto & Waka Waka. So to anyone who says RSA is segregated must just calm down, we come to play when it suits us, and when we do, we play pretty well.

& then on the way to the bathroom I saw an open condom wrapper on the floor *jaw drops to the floor*. I lieth not!

Upon looking at last nyts pix this morning, I can safely say that I love wyt ppl! They make us blks seem somewhat normal. I thought dancehall dancefloors were brothellie- but yhuu shame, Ftv Village Walk Dance floor last nyt was the set of a porno! & I was pretty well behaved. (believe it or not) I only got out of control @ McDs when buying hangover food =) I kinda sent a wyt guy to go steal me a Sunflower, I figured I’d o to jail if I did it… since wyt ppl do that vandally ish al da tym (& get away with it)!

But no hey… wyt ppl shud cum with a warning label: PARTY WITH US AT UR OWN RISK!

Chapter 7: Loving You

Fuck it- im tired!

Please stop whining and complaining about how your man is this that and the other- i REALLY dnt wanna hear it.

When will you learn that you & only you have the ability to make yourself happy?! If he’s such an ass or a cheater LEAVE HIM. & then you say “but he wasn’t like this before” well, I firmly believe that no-one changes overnight. Girl- the signs were there long before but you just chose to ignore them thinking you could change him! Bitch, if his mama cudnt make a decent man out of him who the fuck do you think you are to try?!

Women (in the past) were so indoctrinated (big word) to believe and practice that their purpose in life was to make man’s & everyone else’s life easier, for this I blame the Bible. We were taught that we aren’t of any worth unless we become a wife and a mother & build a happy loving home for our family. We were taught to be the dependable one, the rock- the solid foundation so that when life falls apart everyone can lean on us. Basically told not to be human! It’s a lot of pressure ya’ll! They even used to called PMS hysteria! *rolls eyes*

Its 2010 and sum women still live their lives according to someone else’s description and idea. I’m not that girl, shame. I am my #1 priority. Not my man, not my fam, not my frends- cos this is how I see it: how can I be the “best” for everyone else if im not the “best” for me? I am selfish beyond any reasonable doubt. The great Katt Williams once said “Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. How am I gonna fuck up how you feel about you simple bitch?”.  *AMEN* Stop tryna get other people to validate your worth or purpose on this earth- cos girl, u gonna wait around for a very long time.

And another thing, ya’ll need to masturbate more. Im serious. I’ve never thought that I NEED a man for anything vele. But once I started having sex I used to think ok, so men do hav sum use… THEN, I masturbated! Oh laaaaaaaaaaawwd! *choir singing* FUCK MEN! People are so caught up on the notion that you need another human being to make you happy or “complete” you- not me. I now know wat mama meant when she said ‘God gives you enough to survive’, the rest are just added benefits.

So what did we learn? You as you are awesome! And if you aren’t, come to me I will teach how to be awesome. (hahahahahaha)! & never ever let anyone other than u dictate ur lyf 2u. true happiness can only be found once you as you as an individual are complete. And yes, sometimes it is ok to be selfish. And the greatest lesson learnt is…. MASTURBATE! It’s the pinnacle, the climax, the peak of true love. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Chapter 6: Rape

Disclaimer: this article may offend some people. It is not my intention, but I have to express the way in which I perceive this issue. I cannot relate with the topic but I can as a citizen of this country see how it has affected us as a nation, & as a woman I feel I do have some ground to discuss this. I do not have all the answers but I am, will and can express my opinion.

Ok. Rape. *sigh* I hate it, I hate what it has done to many women in this country and some men who have been wrongfully accused. Yes, they exist. But I also hate how many women get aped, don’t say shit & expect the system to help them OR don’t get raped, say they did, and abuse the system.

Like I said I have never been raped and therefore cannot fully comprehend the psychological and emotional effects it has on an individual- but I do as a Psyc student know wat happens to a person when shit lyk this does happen in their life. Im not saying go to hospital/police immediately after being raped- but dnt sit there & say the system doesn’t help raped women if you yourself didn’t go to the system to get help.

A problem can only ever be solved if everyone it affects stands up & speaks up. I don’t know but it seems pretty logical to me. Sitting in your misery will not get the perp caught and apprehended. Am I the only person who gets that?

And then these bitches who claim to be raped (for whatever reason) but really weren’t?! *confused face* you bitches are the ones who make it difficult for the real women who we raped to come forth. The whole “the boy who cried wolf” angle is selfish, careless, irresponsible and down right fucked up! And I hope, that those bitches get punished the same way a man who did rape would be!

The world cannot help you if you do not help yourself. It is as simple as that. If you have been raped and have not gone to the system I urge you to, not only will it help in getting rid of this vile crime in our country- but I will also help you on your journey to healing. Once we as a society stand up against this horrendous crime- it will aid the other many many girls and women who live this nightmare everyday of their lives.

Like I said, I cannot fully relate wit a rape survivor but I want South Africa to be a country that all citizens can be proud of- & I will do my bit for my country wherever I can. *see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil* is so 1990s, lets build a better RSA 4 ALL hey.