Chapter 16: 5 Women I'd Leave my Man for.... #allhomo

Welcome back to the regular programming, also known as my craziness!

As the cold wet weather continues in Gauteng, I have compiled yet another list of hotties to keep us warm. Yes, us, see how much I love my community?! This list consists of hot, sexy, seductive ladies that I would let have me as they wished. Seriously. No, really, they don’t even have to mack- they can just look my way and, it, is, on!

Sit back (or lean forward) loosen up & enjoy the show…

#5 Angelina Jolie

For theeeeeee longest time this vixen was at the top of my list, until she got rake skinny and lost her shapely size 34C Tomb Raider breasts *reminisces on the good old days*. In Wanted she sorta still had it goingz on- but ever since she became a mom of six, her sex appeal has taken a dip.

#4 Eve

This rapstress turned actress turned fashion mogul. Is tjeeeeeeeeerr! Eve is so fine! & I love her Philly accent and how she carries herself. She’s a former stripper and she’s not ashamed to admit that, she was the First lady of Ruff Riders and made a name for herslf in the hip hop industry. Her signature blonde hair & dog paw tatts on her titties make her a hot mamah!

#3 Sofia Vergara

Columbian born. Long black locks. Hips that make the world map look so inferior. And that accent! Those eyes… & smile! She is just so hott!!! Like really, yeah she’s an OK actress, but have u seen hoe hot she is?!?!?!?! Yhey! What I love most about her is her womanly shape- that hourglass/coke bottle thang she gots goingz on!

#2 Eva Mendes

This hot Cuban cigar almost became a nun. A Nun? Yes a nun?!?! What a loss that wuda been for our eyes! Eva is now a leading lady in Hollywood, a Revlon spokesperson alongside Halle. She posed nude for PETA and allegedly had a sex tape out… (compu geeks plz find it-thnx!) But she took my breathe away when she masturbated on screen in We Own the Night in lyk the 1^st 5mins of film… yhoh thiza!

#1 Gabrielle Union

& all the black men said “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn”!

This sexy, hot, talented, versatile actress is amazing! Her roles range from drama, action and romance. She’s been in music videos too! I cud go on about wat an awsum actress she is- but no1 wants to hear that… So…. Feast Your Eyes!

Cape Town- Pt 2 of the Hansa Competition!

Win 2 VIP tickts 2 the HansaLegendsTour @ Marimba Lounge on Sat in Cape Town with Dj Tira and Ntando

Todays question is:

Who is sponsoring the Legends Tour?

Prizes : 1x Double tickets to attend the Friday event Per Person!

How To Enter:

Please send your answer, Name and Surname, and your contact details to 

"Xtralargeptyltd@gmail.com"
With Subject : HansaLegendsTour/ltzama.blogspot.com

The first 2 correct entries drawn will win.

Terms and Conditions:

Only registered Cape Town Based readers may enter!

Prize only includes tickets, not transportation to the event.
 
P.S. Competition Closes at 13h00 pm on Saturday 15th!
"Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need" Lauryn Hill

Special Note: The Kiss Of The Saaz Hop

Wanna be awesome like Vuyo?

Its simple- enter this AMAZING competition to attend the Hansa Legends In The Making Tour & ur friend could be raving about how awesome you are!

The Hansa Pilsener Legends In The Making Tour is gaining momentum and to celebrate we are giving away 2Double tickets to the Hansa Legends Tours taking place this weekend in Cape Town. Friday night, the party is at Chippas(Paarl)! XtraLargeTV and Ltzama.blogspot.com are giving away tickets to this event on Friday!

Question : Which International group is Hansa bringing to SA in Feb?

Prizes : 1x Double tickets to attend the Friday event Per Person!

How To Enter:

Please send your answer, Name and Surname, and your contact details to 

“Xtralargeptyltd@gmail.com”
With Subject : HansaLegendsTour/ltzama.blogspot.com

The first 2 correct entries drawn will win.

Terms and Conditions:

Only registered Cape Town Based readers may enter!

Prize only includes tickets, not transportation to the event.
 

P.S. Competition Closes at 13h00 pm on Friday January 14th!

Chapter 15:

So, I get macked on by ppl who have ABSOLUUTELY NO CHANCE with me. And I’ve decided that instead of being a total bitch to those who dnt know, ima let u know! Coming up next is a list of characteristics/traits/ just who you are’s of what counts you out on the race to get in my pants.

Listen, I know its its not fair, some of you may call it discrimination but I call it preference. & I would prefer it if u stayed the eff away frm me. Capish (pronounced ka-peesh)? So if u have or are 3 of the following plz leave me alone.

1.       Have kid(s)

2.       Been married

3.       Are 6 yrs or more older than me

4.       Know my mother

5.       Are a cigarette smoker (cigars & weed r cool)

6.       Never been outside the province you live in

7.       Don’t know the countries that comprise of the SADC region

8.       Never voted

9.       Do not have a Matric

10.   Never enrolled in sum type of tertiary education

11.   Own a Spitz account

12.   Do not know what birth control is

13.   Believe that owning cars is a sign of wealth or power

14.   If u just asked WTF is wealth?

15.   The only books you have read are the Bible & whatever you were told to read in school

16.   The only sport worth watching is Soccer

17.   As a devout Kaizer Chiefs supporter, I will give Pirates supporters a chance just to rub it in your face how much ur team sux!

18.   The only positions you know are the missionary & doggy-style

19.   An a homophobe/racist/male chauvinist

20.   Believe that travelling is only for the rich

21.   Do not know Patrice Motsepe

22.   Do not vote for the ANC

23.   You think Jimmy Choo is a martial arts dude lyk Jackie Chan or Van Damme

24.   Have never and wil never go down on a woman

25.   Have never and wil never eat seafood

26.   Are a DJ/Soccer Player

27.   Are mildly in the closet

28.   Greet me by saying “I love you” or “hello sweddy” or “hey, woza la”

29.   Believe that Rihanna, Ciara, Cassie can sing

30.   Do not appreciate the genius that comes from Kanye & Lil Wayne.

31.   How cud I forget… HAVE A GOLD OR SILVER TOOTH!!!!

Now that I have basically told 98% of the population to buzz off I hope that sends a clear bright message to all that I do not like being approached by anyone. Ndi grand in the males department. Grand.

Chapter 14: 5 Men I’d leave my man for…

So, for everyone NOT in Cape Town its been some miserable wet weather. What makes it worse is that some of us aren’t even getting laid in this here crap weather, so, for all my Hos & Homos here is a winter warmer in the middle of summer *rolls eyes*.

I love Men with Accents! And the American Southern Accent is just delectable which explains why 3 of these 5 men are Southern Gentlemen…  And none are South African.  Obviously. *duhh shrugs*

#5: Ryan Reynolds

I first fell in love with this Canadian Hottie in Blade Trinity… before this film he was scrawny and pale. Then, he got buff & tanned! *whistles*. Since then he’s gotten hotter. He is the reason why I watched The Proposal at the cinema. I wanted to see all that fineness in HD!

#4: T.I.

TI is EVERYTHING ur momma told and warned you to stay away from! EVERYTHING!!! He’s charming in a thuggish way (that Why U Wanna song). The way he says “ya’ll got hotwings” in Whatever You Like video, I love me a man who loves wings. & the way he lays his heart out in Get Back Up *aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*. But he gets me with his smile!

But… he been to prison and has baby Mammas! *sigh* But that smile! *melts*

#3: Matthew McConaughey

I give this man permission to claim success of any and every RomCom he has acted in- he has single handedly made every film he’s in success cos of that Texan swang, that pearly white smile and those washboard abs! *fans myself* oooohhhhhhhhhhhh chiiiiiiiild! And im a sucker for curly blonde hair.

#2: Idris Elba

This man of a man had me convinced that he was American. His accent in Daddys Little Girls was flawless! But no, he is a British DemiGod! If I ever lost my groove and went to Jamaica or America, Mr Elba is the kind of man I wud want to help me get it back! Rememba Salt n Peppas What A Man? Don’t u just envision Idris being the perfect prototype of that man?!

#1: Trey Songz

Baaaaaaaaaaaaabbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

This. Is. My. Man. Where do I start? Ok, talent. Mr Neverson just released his 4^th studio album Passion, Pain, Pleasure. Is that not reason enuf? Second, he’s actually talented- he also realises much lyk Bey & Shakira that his body is also an instrument & therefore uses it in his work. Frankly, I wud play that all nyt long! He’s versatile with his collabs and work-  he raps ya’ll!

But, baq 2 his looks… Trey has worked very hard to get his body where it is ryt now, lyk Ryan. he Southern lyk TI & Matt. His chest is the perfect place to cry & lay on. His arms can keep u warm in all that cuddley goodness. His stomach is the ish Verimark ab machines are moulded to. Those dingeses that lead to his crotch make me wanna mount & whooooh, TMI, my bad. Uhm, ya hey. Trey… 

Chapter 13: 3 Things Black People Have, Still & Always will wonder about…

To all my white friends, I myt even be kicked out the Bantu community for sharing some of these facts with you. But because I am a person of the people, I am willing to risk getting my Black Wings clipped, for you!

So you myt not get sum of them, but trust, after this expose you will surely have a chuckle when you see it happen!

#3: Exactly why did Beyonce marry Jay Z?

It aint for his money- she got her own! Even Forbes said she made more than him in the past year. It aint his looks- (see image below).  Maybe he’s a nice person hey. Or he man handles her in the sack… or maybe he challenges her intellectually- does she even hav a GED(Matric)?

Our thinking has become so corrupt that we cannot imagine people being together out of love, there always has to be an ulterior motive! My girl Lama INSISTS that J&B are a financial agreement, merely together because the power of their joint brand will make them more rich! Girls have done worser things… (CC Khanyi re Theunis).

Jay bought B an island for her bday and she got him a Bugatti. This is 7 yrs into their relationship- wtf r they gonna get each ada for their 50yr wedding Anniversary? Venus & Mars?!

                                                  

#2: Why do we do that thing when we come out the pool?

Don’t act like you don’t know!  We all do it!!! The moment we come out the pool we wipe, no wipe is not the word. We… do wat those roller thingies do at the car wash to our face the second we come out the pool! Yes, We, Do!

No matter how hard we try to come off sexy lyk white boys & girls manage to- we just CANNOT! And the funny thing is- it is subconscious until the moment we think-mid-action “ah shit, I just did that Bantu pool thing…” that’s when we proceed to try look sexy. And subsequently hopelessly fail! *SMDH*

I wonder how many takes they did to get this shot PUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRFEEEEEECT!

                                                  

#1: Mara Michael Jackson, u’wetsang aka WTF were u thinking?

Words fail me.

I shall use pictures!!!

Next countdown…  5 Men I’d leave my man for.